Toddler Was Here

A Month of Gratitude #2

Today, I am grateful for my children.  I might get frustrated sometimes, and feel lost as a parent, but they still provide me a joy that nothing else even comes close to.  They warm my heart and soul, make me laugh, teach me how to enjoy the little things in life, and their sweet spirits are an example to me of how to embrace and experience life.  They are my motivation to be a better person, and I am grateful for what they show and teach me every day.  I never realized how much I can learn from little ones.  I love them so much.

My Baby Boy Goes to School

This picture was taken during Goob's first day of pre-K.  Mama is both excited and happy for him, and a bit heartbroken, but at least he loves the new change in his life. 

I Am a Moms Meet Ambassador

If you are interested in discussing parenting topics centered around eco-friendly and natural issues, or are wanting to try samples of eco-, natural, and organic products, I encourage you to find a Moms Meet Group near you.  Moms Meet is sponsored by Kiwi Magazine, and is an organization of mommy groups who meet to discuss ways to change our families and planet for the better.  I am a Mom Ambassador for our area, which means I will be creating and leading a Moms Meet group for our local region.  If you are interested in finding, or starting a group, click the link below:

Bean Turns 1!

My lovely little Bean turned one year old on Sunday.  On Saturday, we celebrated with a party where family and a few friends attended to show love to my beautiful little girl (and also to my son).  It is so hard to believe that it has been a year since she entered our lives.  My baby, you are a joy and a light in our lives.  I live for your smile and your sweet giggle.  I look forward to experiencing the world anew with your inquisitiveness and curiosity every day.  We love you more than we can say.

Included are a few pictures from the big day/party, and at the end of this entry, I am sharing the birth story I wrote a couple days after she was born. 
----
Forgive me if some details are TMI, but I LOVE labor/delivery stories, and I want to keep mine forever.
I went in at 7:30am to be induced because the baby was measuring large (7 lbs. 11 ounces at 37 weeks). Once I did the paperwork and was admitted, they administered Cytotec (?) by pill because I was still only at a one (after WEEKS of only being at a one) and barely effaced.
Once that happened, suddenly, low and behold, I started having contractions--long ones. Some were three minutes in length. I felt a lot of intensity at this point, and a fair amount of pain, but held out. During the long contractions, the baby's heart rate would decelerate, so they gave me oxygen in the hope that her heart beat would regulate...it did. I was measured at my next check at a 2.
My water was broken soon after. I didn't remember the constant wet gush when they did so with my first labor, but it kept coming and coming, and I was so frustrated with the feeling of it, combined with increasingly dreadful contractions. I had tears in my eyes when my nurse, Karen (who delivered James), came in, and she asked if I wanted my epidural, which I did. I was only at a 3.5, which discouraged me because I wanted to hold out longer, but the pain was INTENSE.
The epidural hurt this time. I don't remember it hurting with James, but I didn't like the anesthesiologist, so I blame that. I progressed pretty fast...they administered some pitocin only when I stalled out a bit. I went from a 3.5 to a seven at the next check. The epidural made my blood pressure drop to the eighties/forties, so I was given ephedrine (?) via IV. I felt pretty miserable when the blood pressure dropped--that feeling scared me a lot. My contractions were VERY painful yet again, epidural and all, so I asked for it to be checked/boosted.
Five minutes after a new anesthesiologist came in, I felt funny--it wasn't a clear need to push, like I felt with James, but it was stronger than the pressure that had been growing and growing for the last while. Lo and behold, it was time to push--I was complete.
Pushing was harder than I remember it being with James. Karen had left, and another nurse had taken her place. I felt like I kept pushing and pushing and making little progress. The baby was moving, but she would still sneak back up a bit after a push was completed. Eventually, I was told they could see the head, and after trying a few different methods of pushing, we were at the finish line--so I thought. Once the head was out, the "burning ring of fire" of crowning did not go away--it intensified beyond anything I have EVER felt in my life. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I felt a lot of pushing inside of me with the doctor's hands, and pain, and I wanted to keep pushing, but the pushing was UNBEARABLE--yet, I didn't want to stop because I wanted the baby OUT. It turns out her shoulders got stuck in my pelvis (shoulder dystocia), and the doctor had to shift my pelvic area and corkscrew the baby out in order to deliver her vaginally.
9 lbs., 8.2 ounces, and 20 inches long--my lovely was finally here. I think they showed her to me, but I can't remember if they placed her on my chest right away because they had to place her over to the warmer to give her oxygen after the delivery. I think I was still in shock because of the pain and not understanding what had happened. I did not get an episiotomy--I tore, but it wasn't as bad as the episiotomy I had with James, thank goodness. Her delivery, to me, was a miracle because it didn't end in surgery.
I wanted to breastfeed--so badly--because I couldn't with James. I tried to nurse the baby shortly after birth. There were some tugs, but she wasn't latching due to flatness on the part of the mama, so it wasn't a riproaring success. Because she was large, apparently that can lead to a tendency for a baby to have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), so they supplemented with formula, and when you take a baby who can have a quick meal or barely anything (and hard work at that!) from Mommy, needless to say, she loved her formula. We've changed formula a few times with her due to gassiness and fussiness, but she's going to be a formula baby.
It's hard for me to accept in some ways. I bought all the books, all the products, in order to nurse. I thought I could do both--nurse and supplement, but it makes her unhappy, gassy, and fussy. Most of my experience during those few days was not the most positive, but there were a few feedings where I felt SUCH a connection with my new baby. The first morning with her, she and I sat in my bed while Josh slept, with her gently nursing away, both of us dozing in and out, for three hours. It was sheer and utter bliss. That night, she happened to be able to latch well (not our strong suit), and knowing I could feed and satisfy her, and that she wanted the closeness, was such a boost to my spirits. It hurts to know it's not going to work out to continue--she HAS to have formula, and that is also what she wants, but I will cherish those few moments with her at my breast. My heart ACHES to have those back, but we'll have closeness in other ways.

Little of This, Little of That...

A lot of random thoughts are brewing today...we'll see where they take me.
Animals.  I've had animals on the brain a lot of late.  We still have our foster kitty, renamed Sunflower (or Sunny, for short).  I renamed her something more positive than Crybaby was, and I swear her personality has brightened under the name change.  She has a propensity for searching out sunbeams and laying in their path, and since I call her "my little sunflower," she started answering to that, and it stuck.  We've dealt with a few minor health issues along the way, but she is adjusting quite well to our family.  Even the dog plays well with her (most of the time).
As I've mentioned, I volunteer at a local animal shelter.  Our main mission is to save as many lives as we can, so we can match adoptable animals to potential forever homes.  However, as with anything in life, there is occasional loss.  During my shift yesterday, I spent some time helping with some sick kittens in our kitten nursery.  Our shelter director was called out on an emergency, and we were unable to euthanize a very ill kitten, and a volunteer was holding it and attempting to comfort it as much as she could.  I felt compelled to take a turn with the kitten.  I wasn't sure why, but it made my heart ache, so I took over the duties with this little kitten.  It was not easy.  The kitten was in respiratory distress and suffocating on fluid.  I held it in a blanket, as close to my chest as possible, up against my heart, as I caressed its fur, tiny head, and ears, and attempted to make it as comfortable as possible.  It passed away snuggled against my breast.  I spent a lot of the evening angry--angry at pet owners who refuse to care for their animals, who don't spay and neuter--and I tried to figure out why it was so important to take a turn with this kitten.  It dawned on me.  As hard as it was, it was easier to give something of myself, even if a little, than to walk away.  It made me sick to think that the kitten was there, and I had to give something.  It would have hurt more to walk away.  I have dealt with dying animals before, but this one affected me so much more. It was one of the most difficult and yet moving experiences of my life.

On to more positive subjects.  Lately, due to some questions I have about things, life, and whatnot, I have been investigating alternative means to peace and health in my life.  We have been eating healthier foods, less meat, and less dairy.  I have been doing extensive research into natural remedies, homeopathy, herbal cures, etc. for minor health concerns.  When my church stopped funding for our counseling sessions, I started looking for different ways to reflect, meditate, and to find peace in our lives.  We have been spending more time outside, taking in the natural world around us.  I also experienced my first reiki treatment.  (A good source for information on reiki can be found here.)  I am blessed to have a friend who provided this service to me.  It was a wonderful time for me to reflect and to ponder about my goals, my concerns, and so forth.  I had this image that I was shedding this skin of negativity as I listened to the music in the background.  When the session was finished, my friend asked me a lot of questions about my life that were spot on--she noted that I am often too hard on myself and that I have my expectations too high when it comes to where I feel I should be, and she said that she felt the need to express to me to work toward balance and being fair and kind to myself.  She also noted that my healing colors were purple and green, which I have found myself drawn to of late before my session.  It was a great experience, and I'm not sure I have ever so deeply meditated in my life.  My friend also shares a similar religious background and understood where I was coming from when I expressed a weakness in my testimony lately, and was so willing to listen to how I felt, while supporting me in my questions and needs, as well as my desire to reconnect to my spiritual foundations while staying true to myself and my heart and what I feel is right.
So, what else have we been into?  I've been enjoying the summer spending time with my family before I go back to the grind of teaching.  We've been playing a lot in sand, and in water, reading stories together and watching movies.  I admit to a growing frustration with my teething infant's lack of desire when it comes to sleeping, but we're managing.  I'm preparing for a course redesign this semester, mandated by my department--I, along with two other adjuncts, will be testing out a new design for our freshman composition courses, and in some ways, I'm grateful because I felt I was starting to develop a rut when it came to my teaching/curriculum.  The hubby received his HAM radio license, and I've enjoyed seeing him get so excited about this new hobby in his life.  It especially proved valuable as a radio service during a massive storm in the area which did extensive damage to the region and has left tens of thousands without power (called a "super derecho," a violent and destructive wind and thunderstorm that was in a arc shape that spanned several states).  The radio enabled us to stay connected to weather service updates during moments of unreliable power, as well as emergency updates, thanks to diligent amateur radio broadcasters.  The storm was so bad that it took the neighbors' staked, full sized trampoline out of the ground, down the hill through our driveway (and over our car--sigh), and across our street into the next neighbors' yard.  (Our car is OK--nothing a trip to the body shop won't fix.  I will show a pic of the trampoline's landing spot.)
Well, that's about everything that I can think of.  Now, if you'll excuse me, this sleep-deprived mama is going to search for rest.  Good night.  (Also, planning on getting back into our "What We Store" series soon.  Keep an eye out.)

BTW, we need to mow our lawn.

Homemade Finger Paints--a Pinterest Project

Via Pinterest--homemade finger paints.   
3 Tbs. sugar, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup corn starch, and 2 cups water. Mix, then warm in a saucepan until thickened. Cool and pour into containers, then add food coloring to create desired colors.  Will create a gel fingerpaint.

Goob said he made a picture of "goldfish and seahorses."  Must be abstract. 

Family Fun for Free

As a family, we have discovered a wonderful park in a neighboring state, where the only cost for a day of fun is the gasoline to drive there.  I'm so grateful that we live in such a beautiful area, and that we have another place to enjoy together as a family.  We have been there multiple times now, and each time, I have felt such a connection to nature and peace in my heart. 

Maybe I'm Not Supermom, But....

I worked the daycare circuit when I was in college.  By the time I was done, after multiple locations, I felt like I had raised half of the preschool age children in my town.  I could change a diaper in about a minute flat, could dress 15 little ones in 15 minutes--I was good.
I thought I was going to be the Best. Mom. Ever.
And then...I had kids.  And then there was colic, acid reflux, sleepless nights, crying fests while in the car, tantrums, sickness, appointments, play dates, teething...all of the usual suspects when it comes to parenting. 
Suddenly, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my sails.  I couldn't understand what happened, how I lost my child care groove so quickly. 
I sometimes feel like I am so limited by having children, but I have realized that all of these years, through post-partum depression, anxiety, fear, self-consciousness, it hasn't been the kids who have kept me limited.  It has been myself. 
And honestly, I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of worrying so much, of losing my patience, of feeling like I have to be a super mom who has it all together all of the time.  Do you know I never singlehandedly take my children out of town?  Very rarely do I take them to the park.  Taking them to the library on my own terrifies me.  I struggle to clean unless the kids are at my in-laws a mile away.
No more.  I am losing so much time with my children living in fear, self-doubt, and lack of patience.  We are going to go out and have FUN.  I am going to relish being a mother, love my children, and be what I have always wanted to be for my kids as a mother.
Yesterday, while Goob stayed with my parents an hour away, I took Bean out and about--we visited an organic farm about 45 minutes away, snagged organic salad greens and leeks for $7, took some donations to the animal shelter, went grocery shopping, and you know what?  Everything was fine.  Bean woke up for two hours during the night, and while frustrating, we survived.  Today, the kids and I went to a pick-your-own farm and picked 4.5 lbs. of berries for $6.  Sure, the baby was fussy, sure it was hard work, and sure Goob kept picking green berries to spite me when I told him to stay close, but we did it, and we made some memories along the way. 
It's not easy.  I'm very exhausted from a long night and wrangling the kiddos at the farm.  Goob is testing my patience something fierce today, but we make it.  We do the best we can, and we make it day by day. 

Our spoils from the day.

Homemade Rice Cereal for Little Ones

Thanks to the wonder of my little Ninja chopper and my large Ninja Kitchen System, I virtually have no excuse NOT to make homemade baby food, at least some of the time.  I do buy jarred baby food a lot, thanks to a local grocer who sells it at 25 cents a jar, but homemade is still so much healthier for baby.  I had all of these goals with Goob to make his baby food, but simply didn't do it, partially due to laziness, and partially due to the fact that he had a lot of digestive issues which limited what we *could* feed him.
However, Bean loves to eat, and eats well, so I have the opportunity to enjoy feeding her and watching her experience new foods.
Rice cereal is one of those classic baby food staples, and we have many, many boxes of Gerber rice cereal in our food storage.  That being said, we also keep a fair amount of rice in our storage as well, and I'm eager to try the following recipe, which I found in a 1978 edition of Feed Me, I'm Yours, by Vicki Lansky.

Homemade Hot Rice Cereal

Grind several cups of raw brown rice to a fine powder in a blender.  Store in a tightly covered container.
1/2 cup of the rice powder (as made above)
2 cups of milk
dash of salt
In a small saucepan, bring milk and salt just to the boiling point.  Add the rice powder and stir constantly.  Lower heat, cover pan, and simmer for 8-10 minutes.  Serve with additions like fruits and veggies, if you want to.

NOTE: While brown rice is preferable because white rice loses nutritional value during processing, white rice is still usable.  I'd probably just add a fruit or veggie to it to add some nutrients.

Suddenly, I'm No Longer Hungry...

Goob and I were sharing a bowl of Turkey Hill's Salty Caramel ice cream. We were attempting to take turns, but he was more than anxious waiting for his turn to come. As I was getting ready to take a bite, he coughed, and as every little kid does, he didn't cover his mouth, and all the spittle landed into the ice cream. Inevitably, it became his ice cream.
Well played, son.
Well played.

Getting Back on Track

I feel like my priorities have been out of order lately. I have all of these goals and ambitions, and yet, I've been giving in too much to the need to spend money, or to choose laziness over productivity, or choosing to focus on the negative instead of the positive. I'm also struggling with knowing which priorities to place ahead of others.
This is what I know I need to do:
-I need to show more love, patience, compassion, and affection toward my husband and my children, and strive to spend as much quality time with them as possible.
-I need to work to become more self-reliant, more prepared for emergencies, and more able to serve and protect my family in the event of a crisis--whether it is big or small. I caught a potholder on fire in my oven the other day, and my means of taking "control" of the situation was to yell for my husband, instead of dealing with it on my own. That's not good.
-I need to strive to spend less needless money, to learn to take care of what we have, mend what needs repaired, and focus on making do instead of giving into the urge to accumulate more, more, more. I also need to work harder on putting as much as we can onto debt and into savings.
-We need to take better care of ourselves physically--eat healthier, spend more time exercising, learn to discern what foods are good for our bodies, and what foods aren't (as I type this, my four year old is laying on the floor watching game shows and eating a cup of jelly beans, so this is definitely a work in progress).
-I need to spend more time taking care of our home--cleaning, organizing, getting rid of items we don't need, and so forth. I would like to work toward a more minimalist lifestyle, but that too will take time.
-I need to work harder on staying on top of my work outside of the home. My heart hasn't been into my teaching as much this term, mainly due to illness, and I need to rededicate myself to re-examining my teaching philosophy and giving my curriculum a much needed makeover.
-I need to be more charitable. I am working to spend more time volunteering at the animal shelter, but there is still more that I can do and give. It helps me to count my blessings when I am working to help those in need.
These all are works in progress, and they will all take time and balance. However, I need to refocus my efforts and get back on track in targeting and accomplishing my goals.

Proof We Know Too Much About The Scooter Store...

James and I watch a ridiculous amount of daytime television, particularly game shows, Golden Girls, and the like.
If you have ever noticed, a lot of the commercials during the morning hours are geared toward the elderly, with advertisements selling life insurance policies, catheters and medical supplies for diabetics, motorized scooter chairs, and lawyer consultations. During one such commercial about legal services, James looked at the featured lawyer on the screen, and got this really sad look on his face, as he cried, "Ohh no...he needs a Powerchair!"
Too much television = FAIL.

Thoughts on an Easter Sunday

I have two quick experiences/reflections running through my head today I want to share:
First, I spent about an hour of my Easter morning volunteering at our local animal shelter. I have been smitten with this shaggy, partially deaf and blind, little dog, who admittedly looks a little worse for the wear. He seems to be an older fellow, and he was found wandering through a busy part of town when he was brought into the shelter. I wanted to specifically spend some time with him; that was my "catch" if my time was needed on Easter morning--that I got to play with this little guy. As I felt his matted, scabby coat, looked into his cloudy, blinded eyes, I felt so sad for him--how could someone cast him out like that? Such a sweet little guy, roaming our town in such shape, because someone was cruel and uncaring. It really bothered me as he and I walked, as I stroked his fur, and on the way home. But, then I found solace...he, along with so many others, is the reason why the no-kill philosophy needs to be adopted everywhere. What would another shelter have done? More than likely, they would have taken one look at him and euthanized him. He would have been deemed "unadoptable," and that would have been the end of it. I know that. And it is the no-kill concept that enabled me to scratch his ears and his back, to give him love and time, to ache for his need for a home--without it, I more than likely would never have known this wonderful boy that I have nicknamed Sam.

(Sam. If I could have him/provide him what he needs, I would take him in an instant. Pic by my friend, Peter.)

Second, and I prefer to keep the where and the who confidential, I found myself feeling like a heel today. I take a lot of pride in finding nice clothes for reasonable prices for my children. I like it when they look nice. I love buying them gifts, and presents, and relishing the holidays with them. But, I had an experience where I realized not all children are so blessed to have these small things--an Easter dress, or a basket, or chocolate, and the thing is--these kids aren't some news story--they are around us, they live here, they share our spaces. Here I was, priding myself that each of my kids had two Easter outfits, like some spoiled mother, and I saw children who more than likely saw today as just another day. I focus so much on what my kids have, and do, and wear, and there are so many kids who lack these things, who lack special little treats, or knowing they are loved, or who don't have parents who care about their basic needs. And I was so worried about whether or not my baby's Easter dresses were dressy enough? Or whether my son's basket had "enough" in it? These kids in need aren't some sad story on a commercial--they are HERE. The question is, how do we change our own mentality, and how do we help them?

Am I An Example?

My friends and I were discussing Easter egg hunts, and essentially, how they have often turned into a free-for-all, where greedy children are encouraged by even greedier parents to go to great lengths to find eggs at any cost, and how this is even starting to be seen in the toddler age hunts. This has also been apparent to me and other parents during trick-or-treat, where children push their way ahead of others, as clueless parents play dumb when their little darlings are knocking over preschoolers to get more candy, or who take way more than their share when given the opportunity.
As we discussed this, we talked about how this often boils down to a parent's example to their children. When the parent is eagerly pushing their child to get as much as they can, no matter what, what else will a kid learn along the way? The discussion focused so much on the concept of being an example, and at first, my cynical self was feeling more than ready to condemn others, judging from past experiences I have had (although our church's egg hunt was SPECTACULAR today), but then it dawned on me...
What kind of example am I for my children? Maybe I'm alright during Halloween, or an egg hunt, or a play date. But, am I good example of patience, or compassion, or understanding? Do my kids see me say "no" to something I want, or do they see me pick it up and put it in the buggy anyway, whether it is in the budget or not? Do they see me react in love or anger? Do they hear me judging others? Do they see a productive mom, or a lazy one? Will they see a mom with self-discipline and restraint? Will they learn how to take care of a home and others by my example?
Obviously, this is something that I think we all can work on with our little ones. I know I need to be a better example to them. It's not always about egg hunts or holidays. It's what they see in us when they are the only ones watching.

Easter Picture FAIL

I asked Goob to hold his sister during the group photo with the Easter Bunny at Story Time. He chose to look at his goody bag instead and dropped her. I have a pic of this in action. They are the two on the far left. Easter picture FAIL. ;)

But I Want to Do It All!

I've been having a battle with myself for the last few weeks. Here are some excerpts from the arguments:
-I am going to get the house completely clean in the next few weeks! I am motivated to fulfill this goal, and I want to have an organized, clutter-less home that we can have as a sanctuary from the everyday world. But I want a nap! Oh, I so need a nap! I am never, ever going to get this done. There have been nine hampers of laundry sitting in my living room for days on end. Days! Everyone else can manage to keep THEIR houses clean. Why can't I? If I was a better wife and mother, I could do this, but I can't, and I'm not.
-I resolve to be more patient and loving toward my children. I want to spend more quality time with them and be the mother that they deserve. I will not lose my temper, and will keep my frustrations in check. Oh. My. Freaking. Goodness. HOW many more slats can a four year old tear out of my mini-blinds? Whaaaaaaat? ANOTHER one?? WHY does he have to hide things all over my house? If I see another Hot Wheels car or Lego out of place, I will LOSE. MY. MIND. And WHY WON'T THE BABY NAP?? AAAARRRGGGHHH. Look at this mom beside me at Story Time. SHE has it all together. Her kids are so good, and so calm, and she is just great with her children. Why can't I be like THAT?
-I am going to be a Survival Mom. I am going to have my family prepared in the event of an emergency. We will have a food storage, and 72 hours kits. I want to learn to sew, and make my own bread, and grind and mill my own flour. I will feed my family healthier foods, and we will be more environmentally conscious, and I will be productive and tackle every problem that comes our way with grace, confidence, and fortitude. ANNNNNNTS. We have ants. And I pretty much have let the ladybugs take over our home. Consider this the end of the world as I know it. If we had to live off of our food storage longer than a few months, we'd starve. I don't know what to do with all of this wheat. What happens if my kids, like, randomly lose a limb while playing? What would I do then? Do I know first aid? I don't know first aid. That does it. We're going to die. And I'm pretty sure our neighbor is ape-poop crazy after that argument she just started with us for no reason. I'm now creeped out. And WHY DOESN'T MY FOOD STORAGE LOOK LIKE THAT ONE DOES? They have everything. That person is so prepared.
-I will be more self-reliant. I will not spend money frivolously. I will pay my bills on time, catch up the past due ones, and get out of debt. I will not make stupid financial decisions. I will be smart with my money. I will never splurge. We will have a savings on hand in emergencies, and this will happen soon. Will this debt never end? Ohhh, another bill past due. I'm such a failure. Credit score? Ha! Can a score be negative 'cause I'm pretty sure mine is. I'm on a first name basis with bill collectors. Ugh. Another medical bill. I want to eat out. Oh, I just ate out. I'm a financial failure. Why do I spend so much money all the time? Why does it not get better?
-I will be a loving, compassionate wife to my husband. I will be more productive, work to take better care of myself, and become a better lover. I will be on the top of my game at all times, and be happy for him, and not burden him. You want me to do WHAT? I am NOT doing THAT right now, thankyouverymuch. I am too busy. Oh, I have been sick for weeks. I need to sleep so much more these days. I bet he hates me. He probably doesn't believe me. My libido is so low, and I am failing him. I want to be with him, but feel dreadful. What's wrong with me? But, like HECK I am sleeping with him. Puh-lease. I am too, too tired, and I feel like crap. He can do the dishes for me. I just can't do it all.
This is the discussion that runs through my head on a nearly daily basis. I think it does for all of us at some point in our lives or another--the desire to do it all, but the inability to do so because of too many goals, sickness, circumstances beyond our control. It's a balance--learning to improve ourselves while allowing ourselves to be human and make mistakes. I just wish I knew how to strike that balance sometimes. Hopefully, someday, I'll figure it out. Add it to the list, I suppose.

Reinventing Myself

I have this desire to be something better, to make more of myself, my family, my opportunities, our home. It's often overwhelming because this desire is so powerful, so strong, so encompassing, but I also acknowledge to myself that, however worthwhile and good my intentions are, no one can completely change their lives in one day, nor can anyone achieve perfection, no matter how much it is wanted.
I want to be steadfast and more determined in our goals to eliminate consumer debt from our lives, which means a stronger budget, less frivolous spending, and a concrete gameplan in order to do so.
I want to develop a lifestyle of simplicity and self-reliance. I want to waste less, to work on emergency preparedness, to obtain and maintain both a short term and long term food storage, to learn how to can, dehydrate, and preserve fresh foods. I want to learn how to make our possessions last longer, to create more handmade gifts, to minimize clutter and materialism from our lives.
I strive to be a better wife and mother, to be more patient, thoughtful, compassionate. I want to focus on putting their needs before my own. I need to show more affection and love.
I want to be an insightful, caring teacher. I want to be more productive, to place more effort into my lectures and my grading.
I desperately want a cleaner, more organized home. I long for a better cleaning routine, increased productivity.
I want to be in better shape. I want my body to feel better, to be stronger and more fit, and to live a healthier lifestyle.
I feel a need to be more charitable, more giving, more selfless and willing to share my time and resources with those in need.
I'm sure you understand why and how I am feeling overwhelmed. If only I knew how to maintain these goals while not becoming completely burned out and frazzled in the process....

Validation of My Parenting Style, Or, Why My Son Wants Breast Implants

I was raised in a pretty liberal Mormon household, as far as television, music, movies, and books were concerned. Although counsel in the Mormon church is to steer clear of rated R movies, I was allowed to watch them, provided my folks had viewed them first, and it was then that I developed a love for slasher flicks--along with classic rock, cerebral and often controversial literature, etc.
I had vowed to be as accomodating to my children's tastes as possible and within reason. I see parents asking questions on Facebook about letting their 10 or 12 year olds watch or read this or that, and I was thinking how I probably would have seen or read whatever they were talking about by the age of seven. And I think it's OK, provided there's parental moderation. I wasn't one of my fellow Mormon classmates who was sneaking out to go see rated-R movies, and I also felt comfortable asking my parents questions about life, sex, violence, etc, instead of searching for answers where I shouldn't. Also, I feel like ANYTHING can be taken out of context and made "bad" with the right material.
Case in point: the most innocent movie in the world, and one of Goob's personal favorites, Toy Story 3. He LOVES this movie, and has watched it...oh...about 900 times.
The other day, after watching it for the 901st time at his grandparents', I noticed he was walking with a swagger, a high pitched voice, and with makeshift boobs and a grin. I cautiously asked him who he was, and he excitedly answered, "BAAARRBBIIEE!!!" He spent an hour of his life being Barbie and wishing he had boobs.
ANYTHING can be taken wrong. Unless it's pornographic or intensely obscene, the key is parental moderation. My son now wants breasts thanks to Pixar. Will I ban the movie? Heck no. But, it did validate my idea that it's less to do sometimes with the material and more how we explain things to our children. Each parent has individual standards, but nothing is OK unless we provide answers to questions and a careful eye. I'd rather moderate than censor.

Randomosity

I feel like blogging, but don't really have any cohesive message to share, so I'm just gonna ramble and see where it takes us.
The other day, I was changing seven month old Bean on the bed in her room. She's rolling now, so I placed her perpendicular to the edge of the bed, thinking that, if she rolled, she'd roll down the bed, and not off of the bed. I took my eyes off of her for two seconds as I reached for some baby blue jeans in her dresser not more than a foot behind me, and I heard a sickening THUNK followed by a wail of epic proportions.
My baby gal fell off the bed.
I snatched her up, and once I calmed her down and checked her out, I called the doctor's office, where the nurse assured me Bean would be just fine, and that this happens to every mother. But, I was sobbing. I never thought it would happen to me because I was "smarter" than that. And yet, no matter the preparations, the good intentions, it happened anyway.
Which got me thinking about just life and motherhood and children in general. Life is like that when you're a parent. You can prepare kids, you can nurture them, you can have the best of intentions, and think you know it all. But, we don't. Parents goof up. Children go off the beaten path. They screw up, too. I think it's just the nature of parenting and growing up. As long as we do our best, and try to make it through slip ups, it'll work out somehow. Kids fall off the bed. Sometimes, stuff happens, and it's what you make of it.
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We registered the Goob for pre-K today. We tried to prepare him by telling him he was going to take a look at his new school this morning. When we got out of the car, he happily proclaimed that he wanted to hear a school bell, and his excitement made me both happy for him, and a bit misty eyed at the same time. When did he grow up? When did he stop being my little baby? I watched him as he looked around at all of the children, the gymnasium, the playground, and he was enthralled. I sat back as he played with other little kids waiting as their parents signed paperwork, and I knew that I was making the right choice for him and for what he needs at this point in his life, even if it does make me a bit teary-eyed and slightly sad inside. It will be a transition for both of us.
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In other less emotional news, I snagged some more freebies this week. Some of the haul includes more digital magazine subscriptions (stuff like Kiwi and Harper's Bazaar), three six-ounce tubes of Jason all-natural whitening toothpaste, which retails for just under seven bucks a tube, and I got three for free plus free shipping, a personalized travel mug, a photo calendar for my desk at work with pictures of the children, two more personalized humorous birthday cards, and I sent away for a free sample of body lotion from the Burt's Bees company. One of the lessons I have learned in scoring free stuff is that I don't need everything just because it says it is free, and also, if you want to get free stuff, but have to pay for shipping, it can start adding up fast, and before you know it, it isn't worth it anymore. So, like everything, it's a balance.
Cheers!