But I Want to Do It All!

I've been having a battle with myself for the last few weeks. Here are some excerpts from the arguments:
-I am going to get the house completely clean in the next few weeks! I am motivated to fulfill this goal, and I want to have an organized, clutter-less home that we can have as a sanctuary from the everyday world. But I want a nap! Oh, I so need a nap! I am never, ever going to get this done. There have been nine hampers of laundry sitting in my living room for days on end. Days! Everyone else can manage to keep THEIR houses clean. Why can't I? If I was a better wife and mother, I could do this, but I can't, and I'm not.
-I resolve to be more patient and loving toward my children. I want to spend more quality time with them and be the mother that they deserve. I will not lose my temper, and will keep my frustrations in check. Oh. My. Freaking. Goodness. HOW many more slats can a four year old tear out of my mini-blinds? Whaaaaaaat? ANOTHER one?? WHY does he have to hide things all over my house? If I see another Hot Wheels car or Lego out of place, I will LOSE. MY. MIND. And WHY WON'T THE BABY NAP?? AAAARRRGGGHHH. Look at this mom beside me at Story Time. SHE has it all together. Her kids are so good, and so calm, and she is just great with her children. Why can't I be like THAT?
-I am going to be a Survival Mom. I am going to have my family prepared in the event of an emergency. We will have a food storage, and 72 hours kits. I want to learn to sew, and make my own bread, and grind and mill my own flour. I will feed my family healthier foods, and we will be more environmentally conscious, and I will be productive and tackle every problem that comes our way with grace, confidence, and fortitude. ANNNNNNTS. We have ants. And I pretty much have let the ladybugs take over our home. Consider this the end of the world as I know it. If we had to live off of our food storage longer than a few months, we'd starve. I don't know what to do with all of this wheat. What happens if my kids, like, randomly lose a limb while playing? What would I do then? Do I know first aid? I don't know first aid. That does it. We're going to die. And I'm pretty sure our neighbor is ape-poop crazy after that argument she just started with us for no reason. I'm now creeped out. And WHY DOESN'T MY FOOD STORAGE LOOK LIKE THAT ONE DOES? They have everything. That person is so prepared.
-I will be more self-reliant. I will not spend money frivolously. I will pay my bills on time, catch up the past due ones, and get out of debt. I will not make stupid financial decisions. I will be smart with my money. I will never splurge. We will have a savings on hand in emergencies, and this will happen soon. Will this debt never end? Ohhh, another bill past due. I'm such a failure. Credit score? Ha! Can a score be negative 'cause I'm pretty sure mine is. I'm on a first name basis with bill collectors. Ugh. Another medical bill. I want to eat out. Oh, I just ate out. I'm a financial failure. Why do I spend so much money all the time? Why does it not get better?
-I will be a loving, compassionate wife to my husband. I will be more productive, work to take better care of myself, and become a better lover. I will be on the top of my game at all times, and be happy for him, and not burden him. You want me to do WHAT? I am NOT doing THAT right now, thankyouverymuch. I am too busy. Oh, I have been sick for weeks. I need to sleep so much more these days. I bet he hates me. He probably doesn't believe me. My libido is so low, and I am failing him. I want to be with him, but feel dreadful. What's wrong with me? But, like HECK I am sleeping with him. Puh-lease. I am too, too tired, and I feel like crap. He can do the dishes for me. I just can't do it all.
This is the discussion that runs through my head on a nearly daily basis. I think it does for all of us at some point in our lives or another--the desire to do it all, but the inability to do so because of too many goals, sickness, circumstances beyond our control. It's a balance--learning to improve ourselves while allowing ourselves to be human and make mistakes. I just wish I knew how to strike that balance sometimes. Hopefully, someday, I'll figure it out. Add it to the list, I suppose.

Time to Be Random

Random mumblings from my tired brain....

-On Facebook, lately, I have been involved in many conversations that seem to have one common thread: loving those that are different than you, who persecute you, who choose a different lifestyle or religious choice, etc. Basically, loving those who can be difficult. And I kept preaching this concept, but I am currently involved in a situation where I feel as though I am being tested in this area. Someone in our lives, whom we barely even know, has been causing our family some difficulty with false accusations/strange behavior, and it's something that has angered me and stressed me out. But, the overwhelming prompting I am feeling is to still show kindness and civility, even though I am upset that this person was so irrational. I'm hoping I pass this test, because it is not easy, but I know that if I proceed with love in my heart, Heavenly Father will help me through this...oh, I hope so.

-I'm teaching a class tonight at our church on bulk buying (i.e. stocking up on sale items, warehouse clubs, building food storage, etc.). I'm so excited to share something with my church sisters that I feel so passionately about and something in which I have an unwavering testimony. I really feel so strongly that we should store and stockpile items and food that we use on a daily basis because we never know when a personal crisis or financial setback will occur. Keeping a three month stockpile of food (working up to a year's worth) is an investment that will help protect our family when done in conjunction with emergency preparedness goals. A little at a time builds up to something great!

-I've been blessed to be able to reconnect with a family member lately, one that I haven't been close to in years, due to various (stupid) reasons, and I'm so grateful. It's so refreshing to move past petty issues and concerns and get to know someone, and even more wonderful when you discover you have much more in common with them than you ever thought previously. This is so beneficial to me in my life right now.

Otherwise, life has been proceeding as normal, the typical ups and downs that I am sure we all experience at one point or another. Trying to stay strong, working to pursue and accomplish goals, and striving to be a better wife, mother, friend, and person. It has been a struggle lately, for whatever reason, to stay afloat, and I've stumbled when it comes to some of my goals, but I am trying to tread water and make it to my destination. I must remember to take life one day at a time. It's so hard sometimes, though!

Is It Me, Or Am I Starting to Sound Like a PSA?

I feel like I'm starting to sound like a public service announcement lately, with all of my posts on preparedness and self reliance.
I've got a couple things to say tonight, so this entry might feel just a touch random, so bear with me....
Our area is known for having a lot of older homes, and in the recent months, there have been several fatal home fires, including one that took the lives of two very small children. It made me sick to hear that two beautiful, innocent little children were taken in such an awful, painful way, and what made it even worse is that the apartment building lacked smoke detectors.
My husband and I made it a goal to add more smoke detectors to our home, but we were unsure as to how we wanted to do them--do we hardwire them so when one goes off, they all go, or do we do battery powered, etc--and it didn't get done, and didn't get done. It took another (non-fatal) house fire, literally a block away from our former rental home, to make me realize we needed to do this and do this NOW--we can improve them later. Something is better than nothing.
So, we bought two more smoke detectors, and also another fire extinguisher, bringing our total to three smoke detectors and two extinguishers. I feel like a huge load is off of my mind. That is perhaps my worst nightmare--losing my family--and I encourage you all to check your smoke detectors, or buy them if you don't have them. The picture of those two now-dead girls from our town still haunts me and makes me sick inside.
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On another subject, my rockin' friend Tara posted a fabulous blog entry about accepting your children as they are, and I have been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. I struggle sometimes accepting it when my children aren't following what *my* plan for them is--if they aren't pottytrained fast enough, or sitting up soon enough, or crawling, or writing their names...whatever. It can bring me such anxiety worrying about each and every little thing, and stressing about whether or not they can do this or that. And the thing is--it's totally selfish of me. I am focusing on MY time table, and not what they need. If I could just relinquish my expectations and accept them for who they are, we all would be less stressed and on edge sometimes. Sure, it's OK to make sure they are developing correctly--that we know--but there is a difference between concern and impatience. I really, really, desperately need to work on this, on improving my relationship with them, on developing patience, and loving them as they are. I do love them, obviously, but I need to be less selfish.
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UPDATE: This week in "fail": While re-organizing my kitchen this morning (2/20/12), I found an unopened smoke detector, probably at least three years old, on the top of my fridge, which I hadn't cleaned in, oh, three years or more. So much for good intentions three years back... At least I have them up and functioning now.

A Big Decision

Lately, as you're aware, I have been stressed out concerning the state of our finances, and about losing one of my classes/half my pay due to low enrollment (see previous post).
When I first heard the news about my canceled class, I was despondent, and I was also dead set on finding a full-time job. The income, according to my rationale at that point, would skyrocket us out of debt and afford our family opportunities to grow as a result. I was going to sit down and start putting in my resume and CV ASAP.
But it didn't feel good.
NOTHING felt good.
I was more lost than ever. A full-time job was the answer I was looking for, right? I mean, I had a very strong assurance that our financial goals were something we are meant to tackle this year, so when the class was canceled, I assumed that meant for me to look for something better. And seeing as my part time teaching pay is as much as a minimum wage full-time job, I thought this magical door to a higher paying full-time job would appear before me, and all would be right in the world.
It just never felt good. It never felt right.
So, what feels good?
The decision to stay home with my children and work part time teaching as I do now, when hubby is able to be home with the children in the evenings. Also, I felt very strongly to pursue a business idea I have been toying with for a while that would also allow me to set my own schedule and pay rate, though by no means making a high-powered career salary.
This is the only thing that sounds good to me. The only thing that feels right.
So, needless to say, I am terrified. This means a lot of scraping by, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of worries, a lot of frugality, and concurrently raising my children/maintaining a home/teaching part-time/starting a small business. But this feels so right, and I'm motivated to see it through. Fears and all, I know that the right thing for me at this time is to spend most of my time with my children, making our home and family the main priority. It's not the right decision for everyone, and I'm still very envious of full-time working mamas, but it just doesn't feel right for our family at the moment. I am trusting that we will be able to work through this period of transition for our family, while fulfilling our goals, and making our family our top priority.

Passing the Test

The hubby and I have set some financial goals for our family that we hope will allow us to start breaking free from the bondage of debt. And while difficult lately, seeing as we have been down to one income, running behind on bills, etc, we have held to the fact that I would be starting work soon, and that we could finally start making progress on our goal to eliminate credit cards from our lives.
I signed a contract on Monday to teach two sections of an English class at the local university where I am an adjunct lecturer. Everything was a go, and I was excitedly awaiting the idea of the usual paycheck, knowing we could finally get to work on our goals.
On Wednesday, the start of the semester, I received word that one of my classes was canceled due to low enrollment, even though there was a contract signed--meaning my pay would drop by 50%.
I was devastated. Actually, to be honest, I still am. I felt like our goals were shattered. I felt forsaken. I had felt that we had made the right choices in setting our goals and were following the correct path, and now we will still be struggling in a land of being perpetually past due on bills, let alone getting out of debt.
This is definitely a time where I need to learn to exercise faith. I still feel very strongly that the goals that we have in place are still the right ones. I am trying to remember that, as the saying goes, "When one door closes, another one opens." I am praying that I will be able to know where to go from here. (Would it be too much to ask for God to mark the door with a flashing neon sign that says "GO HERE!" in ridiculously big, bright lights?)
I found a quote that seemed particularly fitting: "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength." The quote is from Corrie Ten Boom, and I am desperately holding onto those words right now. I am a chronic worrywart, and a lot of times, I allow worry to take over and rob me of my strength and ambition, and if there ever was a time to hold fast and true to my goals, it is now. I need to be strong for my family, and to work on ALL of my personal goals to better myself not just for them, but for me, too.
Here's hoping I have the strength and the discernment to know how to accomplish the goals that are so important to us. I feel like I am being tested, as is my family, and usually I feel as though we are tested in our lives when we are close to heading down the right path. Here's hoping I pass this test with flying colors.

Invasion of the Crumb Snatchers

I watch a lot of the show Hoarders. You know the one...it's a wonderful show featuring hillbillies who sleep in tents in their backyards because the trash and crap in their home has virtually eliminated any livable space inside, or yuppies hoard collections of millions of "rare beer cans" (no joke!) and find out that these "treasures" are only worth a couple of bucks, or you have ultra-thrifty single women who won't throw out anything because they grew up poor, and will be keeping that bag of liquified, five year old chicken, thanks, because hey, waste not, want not.
Yup, that's the one.
And one common theme in all of these episodes is infestation. Bugs, critters, rodents, spiders, animal hoarding...the list goes on. So, naturally, my associations with these little monsters goes with bad housekeeping, as a rule. Normal people, for example, get, say, only one mouse, right? And he just goes away when the home owner says enough is enough. Right? RIGHT?
Nope. It's official. We've got some mice.
It started with scuttling sounds around my stove. My husband, ever so calming an influence, assured me I was wrong about there being an unwanted presence in the home, and wrote it off as vibrations from the washer and dryer. Phew.
Nope. Not hardly. While doing laundry one day, I noticed what I thought were bugs on my basement floor. I went to look, cursing my luck, and discovered it was even worse--mouse turds.
Now, I know what mouse turds are...I had a pet mouse as a kid (mice, actually, because Furrball was pregnant when we bought her), and her only joy in life was pooping all over my room. And these were mouse turds.
I wanted to do "THE HUMANE THING" and catch the mouse without killing it. I envisioned myself in hippie love beads, ceremoniously releasing this mouse into some flower-strewn park somewhere in emerald green grass, with music playing, I'm quite sure. It would be BEAUTIFUL.
The Engineer wasn't having any of that, and assured me the mouse must go, and threw down a few snap traps. In a day, the mouse met its maker.
I admit, while sad that I didn't get to release him back into nature, I was glad he was gone. And for nearly two weeks, I enjoyed a mouse-free presence in my home, even starting to breathe easier whenever I would go down into the basement to get meat from the freezer or to do laundry.
And then, there were two more. See, we had kept the traps down there under a vague assumption of "just in case," and two more mousies were waiting for me, catching me completely off guard.
After I had a panic attack, I called the husband in sheer and utter terror, no longer wanting to do "the humane thing" and simply wanting any little rodent invader killed. I had done enough research over the course of all this, and convinced myself we would all die of hantavirus or whatever other rare diseases vermin carry, and that we were, in technical terms, screwed.
But, there was one thing I was grateful for in all of this, and that was that they at least hadn't come upstairs. There was that, and I had latched onto that fact with all of the sanity I had left.
Until I found mouse crap on my food storage shelves.
And that, my friends, is when I completely lost my mind.
I cried, I hyperventilated, I cursed under my breath, I envisioned that these little beasts were simply out to kill me and my family and eat all of my precious food at the same time. Down went traps into the kitchen (one mouse caught...so far, no more since, but I reserve the right to claim it is mouse-free until WEEKS go by). I took everything out of my clean kitchen and SCRUBBED. I moved appliances and SCRUBBED. I took all of my food and placed it in air-tight containers (I'm pretty sure mice could chew through plastic if they wanted to, but it will make it harder for them). I scrubbed shelves, exposed surfaces, cabinets, reorganizing anything I could. This took about five hours in total. And the only evidence I have seen of any more mice in there is one little turd I found this morning right on the edge of the kitchen and living room, but I have found just one here and there a couple times that we have tracked in after working on the basement, so I am not convinced that there is one in my living room now, because, as we all know, mice won't leave just one little poop--they leave dozens, and one solitary poop on its own, so far, has meant we just happened to have one in our shoe.
We killed another two in our basement after the first three, bringing our total to six. We have found, and at least temporarily, sealed dropping-laden entryways we have found where they could have come in, and so far, we have had only one in livable space, and it came in through a cartoon-type mouse hole behind our fridge that was very new. I have the kitchen cleaned enough I should be able to see evidence of anything new when it happens--not that it wasn't clean before, but I have things situated so I can see a problem as it happens.
I've taken this whole thing personal. I have anxiety attacks, see, and I have been convinced that somehow, I have done something wrong to have this happen. Maybe I didn't clean enough, or maybe I lived in denial that this could ever happen to us, and what kind of mother lets this happen...all of those terrible thoughts. But, as my mother-in-law and husband have assured me, as well as a lot of friends, that this is, sad to say, a war that millions of homes wage, and that a lot of my loved ones have endured in their own homes, and that it will be won. I have made my husband promise that, if we can't combat this on our own, that we will call an exterminator, and so far, we seem to be doing OK in at least keeping ownership of our home and our things. It's war now. Screw being humane...I want the rodents dead and gone. I don't know how many more we have, but we are trying to eliminate any nests, food sources, entryways that could encourage more.
Any of you have any experience with toxic animal invaders?
**NOTE** Oh, and we have ladybugs, too. FML.