You Can Either Laugh or Cry....: Why I Have a Sneaking Suspicion There Are Children in My House: Exhibit A

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES....

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Goob: "You know, I really don't like it when people don't wear underwear."

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Me: "You've been in a mood all morning."

Goob: "No, since last night."

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"HI T*TTY!!!" -17 month old Bean saying hello to our kitty...can't pronounce her Is

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Me: "Let mommy get a shower."

Goob: " Good. I don't like stinky people."

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Goob has been reciting the Pledge of Allegiance for us all week...with one addition. I am assuming it is said during morning announcements via intercom because he ends it with "Have a GREAT DAY!!"
Also, yesterday, he went over to my mom to get some change (they play with the piggybank together whenever my parents are here, sorting money and the like). As she handed him change, he said, "No, thanks, I just want green money."

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Goob: "I'm voting for Boh-rock-mit Om-ah-ney."

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It's Red Ribbon week at Goob's school-an anti drug campaign. He came home wearing a red ribbon decrying the dangers of drugs. I asked him about it and what the ribbon stood for, and he looked at me kinda funny, so I asked again, "What does the ribbon mean? What are you not supposed to do?"
His response: "Don't go having no babies!"
Um. Okay. Fair enough.

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While staying at my parents, Goob apparently asked my parents if he could have his "birth control medicine" before bedtime. ??????
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Bean (farts loudly, then eyes widen): "Wooooo-ooooowwwww!!"
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Me: "No, we do not eat candy for breakfast. You had two bowls of yogurt already. Have a banana. Candy is for special occasions. It's for something special."
Goob, looking at me with "the look": "Yeah, and bananas are for MONKEYS."
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"I smoke my hotsticks (cigarettes) with the Mexicans." -Goob 1) We don't smoke, and he's not around smokers, and 2) nothing against Mexicans, but the only ones he knows are from the local taco place, so ???????
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"Oh, wow, there went a squeaky one." -Goob, during a potty break ????????????????
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Me: "What did I tell you not to do?" (throw sand)
Goob, seriously: "Don't touch the girls."
????????
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"Ohhhhhh......I've got cramps." --Goob
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"Old Dude I need to go potty, and I think you better turn the fan on 'cause we're going to need it." --Goob to his granddad
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Me: "But I bought this for you so you would be happy."
Goob, shaking his head sadly: "Well, it didn't work."
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"Smell my wrath." -Goob, after pooping his pants during nap
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"The sky's awake." -Goob says this when the sun comes up.
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"I love my sister." -Goob, unprovoked (hey, gotta include the sweet ones, too)
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Me, talking to seven month old Bean: "Please do not eat your brother. No. Honey, don't poke your brother in the eye."
Bean, looks me dead in the eye, grins, and emphatically shakes her head "no."
And it starts.
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Goob, as he was undressing/dancing: "I dancing! Take it off, take it off!" (Where do they LEARN this stuff??????)
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Goob and the hubby got short haircuts last night. The baby, obviously, has no hair. James said the following: "I got a haircut...........Daddy got a haircut..........the baby got a hair cut........................no........

.....well, sort of."

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"I need to go to the dentist. I need new teeth." -Goob
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"Uh oh...poop. (long pause) It's OK. I fixed it." -Goob, with his grandparents
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"I am hungry. Oh hey, I have eyebrows." -Goob being random
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"Tastes like birthday cake." -Goob, while eating a booger
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To explain the following conversation, we have had a lot of ladybugs in the house this year:
Goob: "Mommy, I find the ladybugs!" (holds two dead ones)
I take them and say: "OK, I'll throw them away. They are yucky, huh?"
To which, he responds, with a disgusted face: "YEAH!! I don't eat them anymore!!!"
Wise decision there, friend! lol
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"Dis one is clothes, Mommy. Let's get another one." -Goob, nearly four, after taking off the first layer of tissue paper in a present on Christmas AM and realizing it's not a toy
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"Hey Mom, I just peed in the fan!" -Goob, after peeing into the air conditioning vent
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"QUIT!!!" -The Goob, at 11pm, at the top of his lungs, during a sound sleep
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"Ohhhhhh.....qwat." (Translation: "Ohhhhhh....crap." -The Goob)
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"'Stop' doesn't mean 'stop,' it just means 'slow down.'" -Goob, while we were driving (I want to know who taught him THAT!)
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"Elmo takes it in the mouth. He really wants it in the mouth. He likes it that way." -The Goob...I really have no idea what he is trying to say to me here, but it's so wonderfully inappropriate. I know he's not meaning it the way it sounds.
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"I go to Grandma's house with Mommy. You stay here at home, sister. Someone will come and feed you." --The Goob, trying to convince me and his baby sister that she needed to be left home alone
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"HEY! I know Jesus! He lives at Grandma's house!" --Goob
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"NO, NO, NO." --The Goob, when asked if he wants to go to rehab. Amy Winehouse would be so proud.
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"Sesame Street chicken." --Goob's interpretation of takeout sesame chicken
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"Mommy, stop! Collaborate and listen!" --The Goob (who apparently knows his Vanilla Ice)
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"It's in me, and it's got to come out." --The Goob, to my parents, right before a ridiculously loud burp
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"WOW...TWO pieces of CANDY. OK, let's go back to the house." -The Goob, after only one stop during Trick-or-Treat
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"I only poop at Grandma's house." -a pottytraining Goob, when asked if he needed to use the potty at our house
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The Goob: "The baby is SOOO cute!"
Me: "You're so cute!"
The Goob: "I cute. Mommy cute. Grandma cute. Grandpa cute. Baby cute. Doggie cute."
Me: "What about Daddy? Is he cute?"
The Goob: "Noooo...."
Me: "Well, what is Daddy?"
The Goob: "Well, he has a nice watch."
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Me (under my breath) to hubby as we watch our cranky three year old whining about heaven only knows what: "What crawled up his butt and died?"
The Goob (3 year old): "Eeyore did, Mommy."
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Me getting frustrated with the fact that The Goob keeps refusing to clean his room: "What are you doing?"
The Goob, while rolling his eyes and sighing: "Making sausages."
(My mistake.)

You Can Either Laugh or Cry....

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Why I Have a Sneaking Suspicion There Are Children in My House: Exhibit A

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